How To Survive An Alien Abduction In Ten Easy Steps

1. Don’t panic. Not all aliens are bad and there is a significant chance that you were picked up by an ally of Earth.

2. Control your behavior. Don’t act rashly. This may cause the alien to roll its eyes (or a suitable local replacement) at typical Tau’ri behavior. This is bad for Earth’s reputation and is not good for galactic politics.

3. Introduce yourself. Most aliens who come to Earth have the ability to either speak an Earth language (thanks to the transplantation of Earth cultures throughout the galaxy) or they are capable of translating. Be polite, calm and show a courtesy to the owners of the ship - they’ve obviously come a long way to see you.

4. Identify whether the alien species is known or not. This is a simple method. For the Asgard, think Roswell Gray. For the Goa’uld or Tok’ra, look for the glowing eyes and distorted metallic voice. For the Furlings, it’s best to assume fur. For the Ascended, look for glowing tentacles. For the Tollan, look for greasy hair and an aura of "La-la-la...I’m better than you!". For the Nox, look for twigs.

5. If you cannot identify the alien, ask them where they are from. Believe it or not, most aliens do follow the basic courtesy of introducing themselves and where they are from if prompted.

6. If the alien is not a Goa’uld or other hostile being (you will be able to tell by having a conversation with the alien), simply ask them what the purpose of bringing you here was and if they could please return you to Earth. If it is possible and they do not need you to save their planet, you will likely be returned or dropped off at the nearest planet with a Stargate. Be sure to ask them for the co-ordinates for an Earth-friendly planet where you can pick up a GDO and Earth’s actual co-ordinates.

7. If the alien is a Goa’uld or other hostile being, pledge allegiance to the alien. They may ask you to do some nasty things to show your worth. Either do them, stay low and wait for a rescue or escape opportunity; or take advantage of the situation and attempt an escape (see future article on "How To Escape From A Goa’uld").

8. If you cannot reach Earth directly, scour the planet (which should have a Stargate on it) for civilization and any signs of co-ordinates that could lead elsewhere. Continue to ‘gate hop’ until you find a society who has heard of the Tau’ri and is willing to assist in getting you home.

9. Be sure to locate a GDO and Earth’s co-ordinates once you have found a suitable culture. It is not wise to leave a safe environment once you’ve found it. Eventually, an SG team will visit and you will have a sure-fire way of going home.

10. Just a reminder - always, ALWAYS remember to use the GDO before going through to Earth or the Alpha Site alone. It’d be a real pity to ruin all of the hard work with just one slip up.